Suddenly Sad....

What a crap day.

I'll never fully understand how we can always be so shocked and stunned by something that we as humans know will eventually come for us all.  We cannot escape death, yet when it happens to one we love, it is often met with surprise, disbelief, and time spent using the word "surreal"...I'm 31 years old and just experienced the death of my grandfather.  Why is that so shocking? Why am I so stunned, confused, and lost?

There are so many words I could use to describe how I feel at this moment, at the end of this day that started falling apart at 9:07 this morning when my mom called to let me know that my grandpa was "unresponsive" and they "couldn't find his pulse." The only true word to encompass all of my soul right now is sad.  I am so sad. My heart hurts. My body feels weak. I have a headache. I know the next few weeks are going to be more of this, so I'm trying to walk slowly into this pool of sorrow, but at the moment I feel like I dived in. Tomorrow I fear I will feel like I'm drowning.......

My grandpa, Dr. Earl Joiner Bentley, is my dad's da. He comes from very humble beginnings in a small town in Alabama. He's been married to the same beautiful woman, my grandma, for over 60 years. Their home has been the one constant "home" in my life. It's so weird knowing he will never be back there. It's so weird remembering all the things he used to do there with ease--crack walnuts in winter, make a fire so hot the candles would start to melt, open our oranges with his teeth, grab us and show us how a mule eats corn (so painful, yet so hilarious), work in his garden, chase away the deer, mow his yard, sit on the front porch and wave and say hello to all who walked by....normal stuff. Some may know him as a great man who helped a lot of people get an education or a job....I just know him as grandpa: giver of piggy back rides, hander-outer of $25 in quarters, who'd spray you down with "stinkum" (aka: strong men's cologne) if you weren't fast enough to run away.  He loved to make up nicknames for people. I had the most-"lindy crux"  "cruxy" or the ever-popular "lomax"...he always would ask a waitress what football team she played on or if they served cow tongue. He'd stop and talk to anyone...and would remember everyone. He loved to laugh and to make others laugh and smile with him.  I'm smiling typing this.....

My grandpa wasn't a perfect man, but he was everything you'd really want a grandpa to be: playful, giving, honest, sincere...an example. His marriage is one to be envied. I remember after one of his hip surgeries going back with my grandma to his recovery room because I had to leave but I wanted to say goodbye....we got in there and immediately they were talking, whispering their "I love you"s, and as I watched with tears in my eyes over their absolute sweetness, I suddenly felt like an intruder, like I shouldn't be there. I quickly said I'd see them later and that I was glad he was ok and left. My grandpa loved her so dearly....when I was little I always wanted to sleep with them when staying overnight...his nighttime routine consisted of telling grandma, "love you, sweet"...more precious that I can express.

I'm so thankful that I had thirty one years with my grandpa. Not a lot of people can say that. In my life I have known and loved 3 great-grandmothers, 1 great-grandfather, and all four of my grandparents. I can even remember one very special great great grandmother. Blessed is not a big enough word. I was 24 before losing a single grandparent. Losing my sweet granny was like a bullet to the chest. She had been sick for a long time and I should have been more prepared, but I wasn't. I was spoiled. I was spoiled with the same wonderful people always in my life. I had never known life without any of them, so how could I imagine it? I couldn't.

Death will come for us all. It shouldn't simply because we are not meant to be separated from each other. God did not want death...He did not want us to be sad and hurting and grieving. He does not want to be separated from us. But here we are....this is how it is until our Savior's return. I do not believe my grandpa or my granny are looking down over me and my family. I do not believe they became my guardian angels. I believe to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord and I believe that their time without us is like a blink of an eye to them. They do not think to miss us....how could Heaven be perfect if you had a moment to miss your family and friends? I believe they were greeted by those who went before them, I believe they were welcomed with open arms by our Creator, I believe their bodies will never fail them again, they are enjoying the splendor of the King, and that I will see them again.

I am so sad. So very, very sad. My heart aches. My soul screams out in pain. But I will rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say REJOICE, because this horrible, unfathomable, unspeakable, surreal pain will not last forever. I will be greeted by my family when my time comes. I will see my precious friends whom I miss. I will fall at the feet of Jesus because I know this to be true: My God will never leave me nor forsake me. I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth; And in Jesus Christ his only Son our Lord: who was conceived by the Holy Spirit, born of the Virgin Mary, suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, dead, and buried; the third day he rose from the dead; he ascended into heaven, and sitteth at the right hand of God the Father Almighty; from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead. I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic* church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and the life everlasting. 

Grandpa...thank you for everything. I love you so very much. I take comfort knowing how much you loved me. Colt and your newest great-grandchild will hear some amazing stories. We are a blessed family because of the foundation you laid. Love you. 
All my love,
Lomax