Dear 2013,




I'm going to go ahead and need you to stop the madness. So far, you've proven yourself to be quite the %*&$. My grandfathers gone within 30 days. My sister-in-law moving to Guatemala. My own sister and her family moving to New Orleans. A friend from college suddenly just passing away leaving his wife and baby girl, after getting in the best shape of his life. A friend from high school and beauty school having her 2 year old daughter diagnosed with both cancer and a rare auto-immune disease.The list goes on.




WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY IS GOING ON HERE?!?




Oh, yes, I know I still have much to be thankful for....I know I know I know. I'm sure there is a plan at work and God is in control. I can count my blessings. I'm not dead. I don't have a sick baby. My spouse is still alive and well. I'm FINE. Yet those around me seem to be falling into utter chaos and I can't help but self-centeredly sit back and wonder when it's my turn to have the calamity strike.These people have now become mine. I worry about them. I pray for them and their families. I miss them. I wonder what I can possibly physically DO to help...and is there anything?? My problems are so trivial and so insignificant and STUPID that I want to smack myself for trying to complain. About anything. Ever. I can't help but flood my son's bedtime prayers with phrases such as "help them" "be merciful" "reveal yourself"....and all he needs to hear is "thanks, God, for mommy and daddy" etc etc not scary stuff. Children should not get sick. Mommy and daddy should not die when little ones are so little. Life should not be so troubling.




We've got crazy weather, awful politics, unemployment, wars, crashes, innocent people going through the most heinous of times.....I want to stomp my foot and scream, "it's not FAIR!" because it isn't.




Upon hearing a friend is dead because her husband shot her, and their 4 children are left without any parents, or explanation, becaue their father then shot himself, I started to rock my daughter.....I started humming the song I've sang to Scarlett since she was in my womb:




Bless the Lord, oh my soul


Oh my soul


Worship his holy name


Sing like never before


Oh my soul


and worship His holy name


I will worship Your holy name








I could hear my voice and Scarlett quietly sucking on two of her fingers. I could feel the light weight of her, relaxed and resting in my arms. I felt the familiar heat from anxiety in my neck, but I couldn't see past my tears.





I truly feel the easiest way for me to see God is in nature. I will see a beautiful sunset with the clouds perched just so, and I am filled with awe and love and turn pentacostal in my car, raising hands saying, "HALLELUJAH!" and laughing when Colt asks, "hawawooya, mommy?" I see God in my babies faces. I feel God when my husband, who is always busy at church running sound so we never sit together, comes to stand with me and take communion. It is abundantly easy and glorious to see God in nature, in family, in beauty and love.





It is terribly and heart-wrenchingly hard to see God in death. In despair. It is hard to see God when the unGodly happens. Yet I know it is often in those times that people turn to Him. Christian cancer patients feel their death is not in vain if just one person has started to pray during their battle. What? Seriously? They have a deeper connection and firmer grasp on God and His love than I ever have.(than I ever will??) I struggle so hard with death, that no one can escape it. I struggle with the fact I brought 2 lives into this world knowing that one day, they will also be no longer. God, keep me from ever seeing that world. I struggle knowing that there is life after death because I don't know what that looks like or how I will get there.....





The mystery of why we are here at all is not foreign to me. I don't understand that if God wanted fellowship with us, and for us to be with Him always, why he created us as humans with choice in the first place. It seems cruel. We are obviously going to make mistakes. We are obviously going to fall short. We are obviously going to lose. But then, yes, He sends us Jesus. He sends us our Savior. And yet here we are.....still struggling thousands of years later. Here we are, still trying to figure it out. The words have not changed. The story is the same. Yet so are the questions!





I am apparently more frustrated than I even knew when I started this post a few days ago. I call myself a Christian....for fear that I am not. I know Jesus lived. I do believe He is who He said He was. I have heard all my life of God's love and mercy....and I know I have experienced Grace and compassion. I have felt forgiveness. But I have yet to feel redeemed. I have yet to feel free. I have yet to be the child of God I know I am meant to be. I struggle with everything. I am lazy in my search. I have little desire to read the Bible, but I demand all the answers like petulant child. -sigh-








I am completely unlovable and annoying.








I am so frustrated with all of the loss this year. I have lost relatives and friends. I have fought depression and I have embraced my worry and stress. I pray. I pray. I wish. I hope. Do I believe? I don't know. I do, I don't. I doubt. I get distracted.....I can barely truly enjoy the good for fear of the bad that will surely follow. I am a prisoner.








.....and I am clinging to my cell.