just keep swimming, just keep swimming.....

The good thing about fasting is that with every pang, you're reminded to pray. The problem with fasting is that you have hunger pangs.


I'm finishing up my 1st (last??) day of fasting, and other than thinking I've lost hearing in one ear, have faired decently well. I was supposed to do a juice fast, but my juice had expired 4 days ago. Plus my sweet Colt had brought me my forbidden cup of coffee not knowing I wasn't really supposed to have it. Luckily, after 2 sips, I noticed it was in a mug from the counter. That hadn't been washed. Because dishwasher.


I've definitely felt like I heard God today....and I don't know when I heard Him last. I had a stream of consciousness journaling session earlier that looked like multiple personality disorder on paper, and then just writing one word instructions over and over. "Write" "write" "write" "listen" "share" "lead"


Ok...write, share, fine. Listen. Ok. LEAD? I lead my 4yo to the potty and my babies to bed. That's about it. I am not a leader, that's not what I'm here for, not my calling, and definitely not my gifting. In fact, the word automatically makes me think of Rose from The Golden Girls, "You can lead a trout to water, but you have to hurry or else it'll drown." There's deep truth in that. I cannot be responsible for the trout. Trout are always in the fight of their lives, are they not? Constant battle, swimming upstream....difficult lives you live, trout.


$#*+ maybe I already lead the trout. "Follow me, friends, I know the way!" ::head punch::


Anyway (mercy...), I like to think that a) I can write and that b) with my writing I can encourage people. I like to think that when someone reads my thoughts or ramblings or questions/conflicts or whatever, that they can see they are not alone. That maybe they can do this life...see that God wants us to do the work! He wants us to ask the questions and live the life He gave us so we can find our way back to Him. I like to think my crazy brain can do that--my words and fleshing out of things can start out messy, but eventually help me, and someone else, find beautiful. I just don't know if it's true. I know I have failed miserably before.....


I am fasting because I need some clarity. Certain situations continually come into my life that are unwelcome, unhealthy, and unstable. These situations are always handled the same way (miserably), and I am always sad that it doesn't just work out. Isn't that the definition of insanity? Doing the same action and expecting a different result? All that *I* know to do is cut ties. I cannot keep revisiting this and subjecting myself to the constant battle of irrationality. But then I honestly wonder WWJD. The snarky side of me thinks he would cast out a demon or 12, but eh. I've cried, begged, yelled, cussed, been gentle, been mean. I've tried to rally the troops and encourage.....no approach of mine seems to work, the trout are still following my lead upstream.....so here I sit. And fast. And want spaghetti. And pray. And write, write, write......hoping I'm not really being asked to lead, but ready to listen for that call.


****ETA I misquoted Rose. Apparently she discussed a herring. Also, salmon swim upstream, not trout. I have 3 kids and haven't eaten. No judging!!!