In my therapy each week, I'm sent home with homework. The last 2 weeks have been tough....having to start changing the way I think and process and view myself(!) is no small task. Yet I'm determined to do the work and grow and change and be the best version of myself. This week, my homework is to write something, anything, everyday. As someone who longs to BE a writer and write wonderful, witty, inspirational, encouraging, words (dare I say the word books).....who loves to share my experiences to help myself clear my head AND hopefully let anyone having similar issues know they are not alone....you'd think this would be an easy assignment. Given that she gave me a topic, it is....but it isn't.
I've written everyday but the first day. I published one blog already this week. It was slightly controversial, I suppose, but the kicker with anxiety is the over-thinking. Did I upset anyone? Was I clear in my thoughts? Does anyone think less of me? Am I now thought of in a way I don't want to be? Am I a heretic? Did I show love? Is my crazy showing?
This morning, I busted out my red journal that my daughter has taken over with her doodles, and wrote the following about what anxiety is, for me:
Anxiety is being aware of every. Single. One. Of your flaws
Anxiety is being ashamed of your gifts and talents for fear you may come across too strong/with an ego
Anxiety is being afraid to fail and afraid to succeed
Anxiety is both your straight jacket and your security blanket
Anxiety is thinking you can do everything and unable to do anything
Anxiety is wanting to control the things you cannot
Anxiety means everything is death
Anxiety fuels an actual diagnosis by confirming fears and beginning new ones
Anxiety is how I've decorated my house and I want to burn it down
I'm not free. I'm not at peace. I may have happiness but I have no joy. It is both the chain on my ankle and my crutch. It lingers behind every smile, every bedtime, every trip....waiting to steal any glimpse of peace of mind. It's a pot that always boils.
Anxiety is crippling. It makes me question every relationship. It forces me to replay every conversation and worry that I said the wrong thing. I focus too much on what others think of me and if they like me rather than just living my life on my terms and as a woman of faith. As a Christian with anxiety, it only fuels the feelings of inadequacy. Statements like, "just give it to God" sound so nice, but it's harder than that. And while I know those statements are made in love and a desire to be encouraging, they sting like a whip. I can't just give it to God. I can't shake it. Random visual--You know when you get attacked by the sand bug things in super Mario brothers 3 and you have to jump a bunch to get them off of you? There's me. Trying to jump away the anxiety that's stuck to me. It's like a chicken nugget from McDonald's....they don't really taste that good, but they do in their way and it's nearly its own kind of comfort food...familiar and consistent. And then you realize they're nothing but pink sludge. Anxiety is pink sludge. #themoreyouknow
For as long as I can remember, I have known fear. I have memories as far back as 2 years old. I remember turning 3. I used to walk down my hallway, as a child, with my hand on my back because I always felt like something was behind me. When Chris and I were first married, I had our apartment blessed because at 26 years old, I still felt like I was being followed. That feeling stopped, but the fear remains. The fear of death, of my children dying, my husband dying, my parents dying...I fear an accident that could leave my children motherless and Chris a widower. Then I worry about him getting remarried to someone who can do my job better than me, that he could love more....my children would only know her as their mother. Y'all.....
These are REAL fears for me, even though my current reality is nothing close to that. Anxiety does not care about real. It focuses on possibilities. It focuses on the what ifs. It reminds you, constantly, that you're not special or immune and highlights all of your insecurities. Anxiety is a thief....it steals peace, kills joy, and plants doubt. It makes me question the God I'm trying so hard to know. Is He good? Is He loving? If it's all for His will, who is to say His will isn't my tragedy? Anxiety makes you FEEL all the fear, doubt, worry. It feels like exhaustion because it is exhausting. The reality, though, the real question is--does the way anxiety makes me feel equal truth?
Lord, I hope not....
Sunday, April 9, 2017
Friday, April 7, 2017
The Gong Show
Im trying something new tonight, folks, so get ready!!! A MOVIE REVIEW!! Wootyhoooooo!
If you're anything like me (35 year old mom who still likes a Disney movie, and considers those that came out in the 90s pure classics), you were anxiously awaiting the live action beauty and the beast. I could not wait! I love Emma Watson. Even though I'm still mad at Dan Stevens because of his departure from Downton Abbey, he made a great Beast. I had my reservations about ol dude playing Gaston (he simply wasn't BIG enough), but gosh darn it he owned it. Then comes my beloved Josh Gad playing LeFou. He was the best cast character, to me, prior to seeing the film.
Then, however long before the premier of the movie, comes the uproar. "LeFou has a gay storyline!" Egad! And then boycotts and blog posts and lamenting over explaining something to their children. I've got three words for this: ay yi yi.
Y'all. Cmon. This is a FAIRY TALE. The characters are not real. I'm not going down the path of a story about "beastiality" either because that's just as dumb. It's made up....and besides, he was a human, just turned into a beast because of MAGIC. So, can't really be beastiality. Duh. And they didn't smooch til he was turned back to his human form. On and on....HOWEVER, this whole storyline with LeFou was blown WAY (and I mean it, people. WAY!!!) out of proportion. Had no one said anything, anyone seeing it (Christian, Jew, liberal, conservative, peacock) would have chuckled and gone on their merry way. But because a big deal was made over a 2 second shot on the screen....Lord, help us.
So many people are offended by SO many things anymore. Prayer is offensive. Liberals are offensive. Women are offensive. Men are offensive. Conservatives are offensive. Religions are offensive. Companies are offensive. Disney making reference to homosexuality ever so slightly is offensive and results in a boycot. I'm ALL ABOUT people staying true to their convictions and their conscience. I'm not here to spout off at the mouth about anyone being wrong in what they feel is right. I AM here to say that there are gays in this world. There are gays in your communities and neighborhoods and, please Jesus, in our churches. And a mass boycot over something so truly non-life shattering as LeFou.....what does that show?
I'm well aware of what the Bible says about homosexuality. I'm well aware that conservative christians see it as the sin that is celebrated in ways that other sins are not. I get it. I hear you. I see you. However, in my life, I have been BLESSED by members of the gay community. I am fortunate enough to have met and become friends with and love and BE loved by some of the most amazing people who are gay. I struggle with it from the stand point of Christianity.....and what makes them happy, and consequently me happy for them, may not be what makes them holy. And yet that is not for me to DECIDE. I am called to love and have relationship with people. I thank God above I have the good knowledge of those in my life, both past and present, who are gay. What makes me grateful for them has nothing to do with their gayness, but everything to do with their hearts, their compassion, their humor, their talent, their honesty, and their love. Anyone who may be reading this who didn't go see Beauty and the Beast bc of the LeFou/Gaston stuff, know I'm not judging or condemning or any of that. It is just so heavy on my heart to say something....and this is how I handle the heavyonmyheart stuff. I've gotten up from my chair 3 times while writing this to eat spoonfuls of shells and cheese, cold from the pot on my stove. Who of you will boycot my blog for gluttony? Who of you will refuse friendship with me bc I chose to eat 3 (yes 3) cheeseburgers in one day this week? Who of you will be concerned for my soul bc I made light of it and joked on myself for eating all the things and pretty much celebrated it by tossing back 2 glasses of wine? You're not going to boycot me. If you did ANYthing at all it would be to come to me in love and ask me what's up. Because what came first with Jesus and the woman at the well? Telling her to go and sin no more? Or a conversation?
Relationships. Love. Those are the things. I'm not saying you're a bad Christian or person for not seeing Beauty and the Beast. Lord knows. (But you ARE missing Audra McDonald and that is a true travesty. She is amazing and I want to be her when I grow up.) I just feel so much for people, and I hurt when they hurt, and I become sad and frustrated when I see fellow Christians thinking they are following the Word of God by not engaging at all(!) with gay people. This world, overall, has become a world where it is more important to be right than to show love.
1 Corinthians 13:1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
If you're anything like me (35 year old mom who still likes a Disney movie, and considers those that came out in the 90s pure classics), you were anxiously awaiting the live action beauty and the beast. I could not wait! I love Emma Watson. Even though I'm still mad at Dan Stevens because of his departure from Downton Abbey, he made a great Beast. I had my reservations about ol dude playing Gaston (he simply wasn't BIG enough), but gosh darn it he owned it. Then comes my beloved Josh Gad playing LeFou. He was the best cast character, to me, prior to seeing the film.
Then, however long before the premier of the movie, comes the uproar. "LeFou has a gay storyline!" Egad! And then boycotts and blog posts and lamenting over explaining something to their children. I've got three words for this: ay yi yi.
Y'all. Cmon. This is a FAIRY TALE. The characters are not real. I'm not going down the path of a story about "beastiality" either because that's just as dumb. It's made up....and besides, he was a human, just turned into a beast because of MAGIC. So, can't really be beastiality. Duh. And they didn't smooch til he was turned back to his human form. On and on....HOWEVER, this whole storyline with LeFou was blown WAY (and I mean it, people. WAY!!!) out of proportion. Had no one said anything, anyone seeing it (Christian, Jew, liberal, conservative, peacock) would have chuckled and gone on their merry way. But because a big deal was made over a 2 second shot on the screen....Lord, help us.
So many people are offended by SO many things anymore. Prayer is offensive. Liberals are offensive. Women are offensive. Men are offensive. Conservatives are offensive. Religions are offensive. Companies are offensive. Disney making reference to homosexuality ever so slightly is offensive and results in a boycot. I'm ALL ABOUT people staying true to their convictions and their conscience. I'm not here to spout off at the mouth about anyone being wrong in what they feel is right. I AM here to say that there are gays in this world. There are gays in your communities and neighborhoods and, please Jesus, in our churches. And a mass boycot over something so truly non-life shattering as LeFou.....what does that show?
I'm well aware of what the Bible says about homosexuality. I'm well aware that conservative christians see it as the sin that is celebrated in ways that other sins are not. I get it. I hear you. I see you. However, in my life, I have been BLESSED by members of the gay community. I am fortunate enough to have met and become friends with and love and BE loved by some of the most amazing people who are gay. I struggle with it from the stand point of Christianity.....and what makes them happy, and consequently me happy for them, may not be what makes them holy. And yet that is not for me to DECIDE. I am called to love and have relationship with people. I thank God above I have the good knowledge of those in my life, both past and present, who are gay. What makes me grateful for them has nothing to do with their gayness, but everything to do with their hearts, their compassion, their humor, their talent, their honesty, and their love. Anyone who may be reading this who didn't go see Beauty and the Beast bc of the LeFou/Gaston stuff, know I'm not judging or condemning or any of that. It is just so heavy on my heart to say something....and this is how I handle the heavyonmyheart stuff. I've gotten up from my chair 3 times while writing this to eat spoonfuls of shells and cheese, cold from the pot on my stove. Who of you will boycot my blog for gluttony? Who of you will refuse friendship with me bc I chose to eat 3 (yes 3) cheeseburgers in one day this week? Who of you will be concerned for my soul bc I made light of it and joked on myself for eating all the things and pretty much celebrated it by tossing back 2 glasses of wine? You're not going to boycot me. If you did ANYthing at all it would be to come to me in love and ask me what's up. Because what came first with Jesus and the woman at the well? Telling her to go and sin no more? Or a conversation?
Relationships. Love. Those are the things. I'm not saying you're a bad Christian or person for not seeing Beauty and the Beast. Lord knows. (But you ARE missing Audra McDonald and that is a true travesty. She is amazing and I want to be her when I grow up.) I just feel so much for people, and I hurt when they hurt, and I become sad and frustrated when I see fellow Christians thinking they are following the Word of God by not engaging at all(!) with gay people. This world, overall, has become a world where it is more important to be right than to show love.
1 Corinthians 13:1 If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn't love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
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