I'm trying to be somewhat on a schedule with my blogging...I'm really wanting this to be an outlet for me, and maybe even help others realize there are other people out there with the same, or similar, questions or thoughts.  It's just not always easy figuring out what is on my mind.  I'm a pregnant mother of a 2 year old with a house I -attempt- to maintain and a job with clients to juggle. I'm not always deep, but am often deep in it.  I try to chant my mantra (from sweet Professor Bhaer in Little Women), "Write what you know..." but what do I know at this moment?

Very little.

So. Instead I'm going to ask some questions...which are directed at myself as well as those who may stumble across this lil blog. Life questions. Death questions. Questions about what you believe, if you believe, and why you believe it. In my last post about my beloved grandpa, I stated clearly what I believe which is known as the Apostle's Creed. The word "believe" doesn't always feel right to me when discussing God, is He or isn't He, and the afterlife....it's more of a trust issue. In my opinion, to trust is to have a willingness to be vulnerable, and requires complete faith. To believe, on the other hand, is to accept something as fact, but doesn't necessarily mean that you trust it. After all, people believe/accept that Jesus existed, but that doesn't mean that they trust who He said He is. 

I often wrestle with the inner question of "What if I hadn't been born into a Christian home?"....I've struggled with this one for years. I feel that the basis of my belief system is that, yes, I was raised that way. (non-believers love that response, but hang on) My parents had us in church every time the doors were opened. I was brought up Southern Baptist, got out of church-going for a few years, suffered a great loss that pushed me even farther from the doors (let alone altar), and then I started dating, and eventually married, a hottie Methodist. Now that I'm "back in" so-to-speak, I question whether I'd fully accept what I believe if I had a Jewish upbringing or Muslim....or nothing. And then even as I think that, Proverbs 22:6 pops to mind (don't get excited, I totally had to google it), "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is older he will not part from it."

Was I destined to be a Christian? Stop the crazy, John Calvin, I  don't believe OR trust in predestination...but I do believe we all are given the exact same choice (to accept Christ or not).  I also feel that maybe I had an unfair advantage???  Yikes. Now I feel very deep in it, yet again. It's harder, I would think, to turn against something you've been taught by your parents, grandparents, and circle of friends your whole life vs just falling in line with what they believe. At some point, I had to accept their guidance. At some point, I had to do my own research. At some point, I had to find my own faith. At some point, I had to trust in what I personally believe, yes.....but I worry about those who weren't brought up in church. Jesus says that we should all come to Him like children...."the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these" Matthew 19:14 (again props to google)....are all new Christians child-like in their belief and eagerness/willingness to accept? I feel like as a child, I believed easily like a child does...but the older I became, the harder it was to trust in that belief (1 Corinthians 13:11....) How can an adult, with all that life bitterness strangling him, really come to Jesus without any kind of childhood guidance as discussed in Proverbs 22:6? How can someone, whose entire family may believe otherwise, turn to Christianity where it clearly, plainly, and simply states, "No one comes to the Father but my me." John 14:6 Yes, these things keep me awake at night....

Then to add to the craziness of all that, I stumbled across a little documentary on Netflix a few months ago....that really addressed all of my core issues through 4 college aged guys. It's called Beware of Christians and I highly suggest you check it out, or at least look here (the last speech given by the kinda goofy guy, could have been written by me...just what I think about). Christianity is more than just believing. It's about obeying, it's about doing as we are commanded by our Father. We are supposed to love others, take care of orphans, widows, the least of these. It's not about accepting everyone for every decision they make, but about loving them and showing as much of God's grace to them as we humanly can. It's not about sitting in a church pew, walking up at the altar call, raising our hands (or not) during worship songs. It's not just about a profession of faith but about going out and making disciples, teaching them to obey all He has commanded. (it's called the great commission, people...check it out)

I came back to church and to God and found my trust in Him because something in my soul was begging me to come back...begging me to return....God was pulling and nagging and saying, "Here I am! I am with you, always! I have plans for you! You are more than what you are now!"...does everyone feel that? Does everyone feel like something is missing?? Is that why this whole planet turns to the most random of things to try and make themselves whole? Is that why there are a billion different religions? Is that why it is so hard to believe and have trust in God? Because it's so hard to believe in someone so awesome, so much bigger than ourselves, who loves us?

Maybe..... -sigh-