All I know here is that I have always been fascinated by writing.  It may take me a minute to get into a good book, but once I do I am enraptured not only by the story itself, but in the way the author was able to pull me into the character's lives.  I get drawn in gradually, slowly...in a calculated way that even if the story is bad, I cannot put the book down until I've finished.  It's a sickness, but one I hope will propel me down the path I think was placed in front of me long ago.

When I was in the fourth grade, I began reading The Little House on the Prairie series.  Oh what I wouldn't have given to be Laura Ingalls (I had no clue about outdoor bathrooms, obviously, but I thought her cornbread and beans sounded amazing).  In fact, at the end of 4th grade we were given the choice to be a historical character to do research on all year. At the end of our 5th grade year, we had to give a HUGE presentation where we actually were the person we had spent so much time researching.  Also loving to perform in front of people, this was my kinda project, and I *knew* I was meant to be Laura Ingalls Wilder.  We had our pick of 3 from a list of authors, first ladies, etc.  If I could have, I would have suicided LIW, but instead I chose:
1-Laura Ingalls Wilder, duh
2-Louisa May Alcott ( June Allison's version of Little Women made me love Laurie)
3-Annie Oakley (I had watched a movie on Annie Oakley over the previous summer, and none of the first lady options interested me) 

Can we talk about how I ended up with my THIRD CHOICE!?  Holy crap. No one was more disappointed than my 9 year old self.  No one.  Annie Oakley??  No one even knew who she was! She inspired nothing out of me....I remember coming home from school and asking my mother if anything interesting would ever happen in my life so I could write a book like LAURA INGALLS WILDER.  Never did I ever say, "yeah so I wanna shoot a gun." Ever.Ever.  

Devastation filled my poor heart for a few weeks. I saw the girls who had "won" the chance to be Laura and I envied them and knew I would have done a better job. Ugh. Disappointment is an evil wench. However, over the summer and the coming months, I began to love Annie Oakley.  She had a natural ability that no women, and few men, had at the time. She was able to draw crowds and travel the world with this skill.  She was respected and admired. She had books written about her, movies and musicals were performed about her life (although seriously inaccurate...she was a quiet Quaker, far from the loud-mouth broad she was portrayed as in Annie Get Your Gun....I do love that one, however, in spite of myself). By the end of the project, I had formed a fierce and protective bond with Annie. A few nights before my final presentation, I cried in the bathtub. My mom came in and asked what was wrong. I could not stop wailing and was inconsolable. Finally, I confessed to my dad: "Annie Oakley....is DEAD!!!!" I would never see her perform, get to meet her, or tell her how truly amazing I thought she was. I would never tell her that I was so glad I had to research her life vs boring ol Laura. It's a hard pill to swallow, the death of your inspiration. -sigh- 

However, I was able to tell both of my 5th grade classes about her and how awesome she was....all the tricks she could do, her husband who she out-shot, how she traveled and did her shows before royalty....and I even ended it with a trick of my own. My teacher, sweet and encouraging Mrs. Lambert, was my "volunteer" to have a straw shot out of her mouth. I did it in one shot, just like Annie (albeit with an air gun, and with her spitting it out on cue)  It was a hit. Not only did it wow and confuse all who saw it (you wouldn't believe the "how'd you DO that?!" questions I received afterwards), but it encouraged me to just go with it. No, I hadn't been given my first (or second) choice, but what I was given was something better. It's weird what sticks with you.  

I still want to have an amazing life to write about like Laura. I still want to have an amazing skill like Annie and be able to travel the world and be awesome. I also want to be an amazing wife and fabulous mother. 

The past few years have really put the wammy on me about what God wants for me. Writing has been in my heart for a while, since 4th grade. (arg that's 22 years...really?) Performing has been in my heart longer (yes, I'm 31. Let's all be ok with it) I'm told to believe in my gifts and that God gave them to me for His purpose. I'm told that He will use them through me. I also know I'm vain and egotistical, but also scared and intimidated and don't think I'm all that awesome.  However, (however!) I'm attempting to embrace my gifts. I'm wanting to use them to glorify Him. I'm wanting to say "yes absoultely" to everything that may not be my first choice vs "wah wah wah".....I'm wanting the love that I feel every Sunday at church, that intense feeling of love and power from the Holy Spirit, to stay with me through Saturday so that I can be the hands and feet like we are all called as Christians to be. 

 I want that Sunday Kind of Love at church to reach out to those I come in contact with on a daily basis. Maybe this is the avenue....no, it's not a 900 page novel that inspires a movement (or even a t-shirt, dangit), but it's something. And it's me obeying, believe it or not.