Kids! Husband! Arise and call me blessed....or else!

I find myself being extremely worn. I'm tired. I'm cranky. I'm 31w1d pregnant with an active little girl rolling around in there (who we've also not prepared for at all), a 2y5m little boy who is more precious and crazy than I can express. I lost both of my grandfathers within 30 days and I just feel like I'm done. D-O-N-E. I'm ready for a beach vacation with no children, no dog, no laundry, and no husband, really, because let's face it....he's on my nerves, too. Everyone and everything that could possibly tweak my patience has...or will soon enough. I've said it a few times today, "You've been warned."


Why am I so angry? Why am I so mean? Yes, the easy answer is hormones and to blame it away on my sweet unborn...but I don't feel like that is truly accurate, or fair. She's done nothing but prove her existence with each wild kick or precious nudge. Why do I want to go to a place of "fussing" about her in there when she's healthy and active and I truly L O V E being pregnant?? I'd be pregnant 20 more times....but, ya know. That's weird. It's just that I also feel totally feel justified in each rampage. I feel like my internal self is walking around drooling, hunched over, dragging a leg, and snarling at everyone....and that it's totally A-OK to act that way. You gotta problem with me? Then that's too bad, amigo, because I gotta problem with everybody! Forget being Godly or ladylike, I'm flat out inhumane.




And yet, in the midst of my tirades and rants and big-girl 4 letter words, I still want to appease everyone (translation: I want to get my way and have everyone LOVE it). I want my husband to hop on board with my name choices for our daughter (when we have totally different opinions on name styles....apparently "Southern Granny" names aren't for him. Boo.). I could just say that her name is "Tallulah" and be done, but I want him to at least be ok with it...I want him to love it, actually, with every fiber of his being. Trouble brews, though, because I don't feel like he cares if I like his middle name pick or not, simply because it's a family name. I didn't care for his name for our son....everyone knows that. It's grown on me, and he is most definitely a "Colt", but at the time I would have rather not named him at all....hence why, for a long time, when you asked Colt his name, his response was, "Baby".....whoopsie! I do want him to like it, I do want him to agree to it....I don't want to feel like I'm making a decision without him, but I don't want him to feel guilted into it, either....I need genuine love for my sweet Georgiana Vivienne Rose Shearer. But I know I'm not going to get it and that pisses me off.


I'm also nesting like a madwoman...which means: I want what I want when I want it and I want him to do it. Is that fair? Is that reasonable? No. Do I care? Um....no. I want to be babied a little. I want him to come home from a long work day where he stays outside a lot and puts up with verbal abuse from customers and just say, "My love. My sweet. Sit down...how can I pamper you today? You're carrying my child and caring for my son....you've done enough. Ask and it shall be given!" That, however, goes against his nature and if that ever did happen, I'd know my death was fast approaching. My husband is not unkind, no no...he's just not a spoiler. And right now, I'm demanding spoilage. Coincidentally I'm stomping my foot and pouting because I'm not getting what I want. And who doesn't want to love on that??


What is this all about? I have no clue...I'm just tired. I want rest. I keep hearing the song "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North....I was upset about 2 weeks ago over losing my grandpa and my papaw, and I had the radio on. I prayed for a song to play that would help....and that's what I got. It kinda irked me because I immediately started crying. Yes, it totally encompassed ALL I was feeling but geeeeez....I didn't feel uplifted at all. Just. More. Tired. As the days have gone on, it's been this song that pops in my head....mainly because the first lyrics are "I'm tired I'm worn....my heart is heavy" and when anyone happily asks me how I'm doing, I make a face and say "tired"....I'm tired. I'm worn. My heart is heavy, from the work it takes to keep on breathing. Is this the worst thing that has ever, or will ever, happen to me? I don't know....I keep hearing "pray, pray, pray" over and over in my heart and in my head....but I'm so tired/lazy I can't even do that most days. I want God to just take over, but I don't think that's how it works....but then again am I really handing anything over to Him to allow Him to take it, or am I clutching my misery like my life depends on it?


Blerg.


So with no further ado: Father God....I don't know whether I'm supposed to apologize for my short-comings first and then list off all of my thanks (because I am both miserable and thankful) or the other way around, but You know that I want to be better and do what You want me to do. You know my heart. You know my mind. You know. You know how much I love my family and my friends, my home and just my life....You know how truly thankful I am and how undeserving I know I am to have such blessings. I don't have to tell you that I am exhausted and mad and generally an unpleasant person to be around right now. But I'll tell You. I'm unhappy. I'm tired. I'm not a good friend, I'm not the best wife (Proverbs 31 is annoying, just sayin), my mothering skills are somewhat lackluster these days, and I worry about bringing another child into my care when I'm this tired because I know those first weeks are awful. Yet I do still want to be pleasing to my friends, my husband, my son and my daughter. I want to be the best for them...I want them to not only hear how much I cherish them, but see it and feel it and know it! I absolutely want to bring Glory and Honor to You...but beyond being tired and worn, I feel lazy. I don't want to do what it takes...I want to wallow in my unhappiness and grasp at any and all pity and take my frustration out on whoever happens to be around. Make that stop. Make me stop. Remind me that I am Your's and that a child of the King is not pitiful and pathetic. Remind me that I am precious. Remind me that I am better than anything I could dream up or want for myself....remind me to be still. Remind me....for in that moment, I will remember, and I will find rest. I ask not for patience, but for mercy and strength. I humble myself to You, I thank you, I beg Your forgiveness and for Your guidance. I thank you.....I thank you....